At least in 1966 you felt safe on the first floor, right? You could fantasise about hiding behind the balustrades on floor 1 and toss socks at the invading Dalek below, hoping to get one over the eyestalk in a lucky shot. In the new, improved DW, they can do anything, fly, do the polka, change the beds, all thanks to a major BBC upgrade.
But even in the no stairs days you were never really safe since it could just sit there on the ground floor and fire death rays up at you blindly, in the hope of getting you eventually. Very poor extermination technique and low in the efficiency stakes, but then, Daleks were always more inclined towards universe domination than energy conservation, IMHO.
Of course, worst case scenario was where the creature inside the casing began to crawl, crab like (or amoeba like using pseudopods, depending on the iteration), up the stairs.
But that’s why there’s a bathroom on the first floor and hopefully, where you’d find a bottle of bleach to pour over the heinous thing. If no bleach, try that stuff Bradley Wiggins uses to take the hair off his legs.
Still, that image of the blob Dalek crawling upstairs did little to relieve my pre-teen anxiety over invasions. And this is where I get to the ironic nub of this blog. The nuclear war between the Dal and Thal races that caused the genetic mutation into the creature in the tin can we know and despise has resonance with us today, does it not?
At this point, a lot of you are thinking, North Korea. That’s where he’s going with this. Cleverly juxtaposing modern political extremist hereditary dictatorship ideology with mid twentieth century science fiction. The cunning devil. I can see it in your eyes.
But you’d be wrong. I was thinking more me and Mrs farmer on a Saturday night fighting over take way from the Red Fort.
I really like dal, and she likes chicken thal. See where this is going?
And her voice does go gurglingly odd when she’s half way through a Crabbie’s alcoholic ginger beer and I steal the last popadum. Sounds uncannily like, “exterminate”, or is it, “Youvehaditmate”.
Don’t get me started on the cybermen.